Stepping into the light

2

July 24, 2013 by Sera

After reading Opinionated Man‘s post Slaying Disheartenment today I realised that I have been invisible for quite a while.

I think at first I didn’t notice it at all, I probably disappeared gradually over the last years.

I used to go out often, socialising, being there for the football games, the nights out at the pub, the concerts and then I suddenly didn’t do that anymore.

I stayed at home doing…well basically nothing. My life got boring.

Then I became invisible to my husband or maybe he just took me for granted. I don’t know.

I didn’t feel appreciated anymore. I wasn’t special anymore just someone who lived in the same house as he did, who cooked, who helped pay the bills…

He spent less time with me, glued to the monitor of his laptop when we were in the living room together, gaming when I had gone to bed and staying up late so we basically never spent more than a few hours in the same bed.

I didn’t notice it or maybe I just didn’t care at the time but it certainly killed our relationship and my love.

By the time I realised what had happened and tried to do something about it, it was too late and when I told him I wanted a divorce he told me he didn’t have it in him to fight for me anymore.

I didn’t say it then but I thought to myself “ANYMORE?! When have you ever had to fight for me? I was here all the time and you didn’t even see me!” and I realised then that he had probably never really seen me and doesn’t really know me.

Now maybe that is my fault, maybe I should have opened up more but it sure would’ve been nice if he had asked every now and then, especially when I started to get depressed and told him about it.

And then, once the depression had gotten a real hold on me, I wanted to be invisible. I didn’t want to be asked how I was anymore. I preferred to be alone and didn’t want people to talk to me because I was too busy with myself, sorting through my thoughts and feelings.

Now I’m at the point where things need to start changing and they are…slowly.

People are starting to see me again because I’m making them see and because I let them.

It started when my parents visited and I had a long talk with my mum. I had come to terms with myself and my situation and could finally share what was in my head.

She was almost moved to tears by the fact that for the first time ever I had actually opened up properly and I suddenly saw that opening up to people can be a good thing.

I didn’t want to be invisible anymore and knew I needed to do the work myself and tear down the walls enclosing me to step into the light.

And I am being seen now, not by a lot of people yet because I’m still getting used to that but it sure does feel good.

This blog is part of the process for me. At first it was just to sort through the thoughts in my head and I didn’t really want anyone to see me or what I write. Now I’m fine with people reading what I have to say, however few or many they may be.

So I’m stepping into the light online and offline.