March 22, 2017 by Sera
OK, so here’s the thing. I don’t often admit it but I’m a romantic at heart.
I don’t make up fairy tales and I’m certainly realistic about romance but nevertheless, I’m a romantic.
Or rather, I’m trying to preserve the romantic in me right now.
The guy I mentioned in one of my last posts unfortunately turned out to not be very different from others I’ve dated before, at least in some aspects that matter a lot to me.
I’m trying to hold on to the thought that he’s really a good guy because until he started ignoring me out of the blue, he wasn’t being an arse and I had no reason not to trust him. I admit I gave him a lot of credit for the difficult situation he was in after about two months of us talking but we stayed in contact and, at the very least, if we didn’t work out romantically in the end, he said he’d always be my friend. And I wanted to be his friend. Yes, I had developed feelings and it seemed like it was the same for him but if that didn’t work out I would’ve loved to stay in touch anyway. I liked how he always focused on the solution rather than the problem because I tend to be the complete opposite and his influence did bring some change to that attitude. He inspired some really good changes in the few months we dated/talked and we shared the same silly sense of humour, laughing about things nobody else would even find remotely funny.
We were close and if nothing else I would’ve liked to call him a very good friend. I don’t know what happened but within a week he went from suggesting he come at visit me again some time soon and wanting to catch up so he could fill me in on what had been going on, to not reading my texts anymore.
Now see, this has happened to me before, not just once but usually with men I had been chatting with on dating sites. Once it was someone I had seen a few times but even when he started ignoring me I had already seen the signs but just didn’t want to see them.
Still, with these guys things had not progressed to the point I thought we were at in this case and friendship was never even in the cards with any of the others.
So this came as a massive shock and I have been struggling, trying to come to terms with this sudden change. I looked for the fault in myself, asked myself what I had done, why I was not good enough and then why I was not even worth a Good Bye if it was over.
I had asked him early on to not just ignore me if he should lose interest but tell me if we weren’t going anywhere. He had promised he would and I believed him.
Rejection isn’t nice or makes things easy but I deal best with facts, the truth, and if someone’s feelings change or just don’t develop the same as mine then I can accept that. That’s life.
What I really have trouble with is being ignored for days or weeks on end, without even a word. It takes longer to accept what is happening and it causes so much more pain and doubts.
In this case it was made worse by the fact that I knew he was in trouble, real trouble, and I cared about him a lot. I still do and I still want to just pick up the phone and ask him how he’s doing every day.
I have of course come to the realisation that he simply must not care about me anymore, so why should I care about him?
In my head I know all that, my heart is a different story though…
I’ve not texted since Sunday and that was when I sent him sort of a Good Bye. That day I was sure I was done but a day later I found myself hoping again, hoping that he would respond, hoping that we’d have a chat and things would be cleared up but the realist in me knows better of course.
So I deleted the chat, deleted the pictures and even tried to convince myself that he was just another bad guy who should be of no significance to me and had no impact on my life.
But, just like most other men I’ve dated or have been in relationships with, he has made an impact.
My broken heart for one of course; the pain I’m feeling right now obviously but he’s done a lot of good for me too.
He didn’t suggest any of the changes I made but he’s certainly inspired them.
I’m getting my driving license finally! That’s big one! Passed the theory test already and am now working on not getting freaked out by roundabouts….the English do love their roundabouts!
I have started painting and drawing again. I say again but the last time I did that I was probably 12, so it’s almost like I’ve never done it before.
I have started doing Tai Chi, something I had been considering for years but never really gotten around to doing.
I do miss how encouraging he was with everything I did or wanted to try. Somehow that is not something I have come across often in men, so that made him all the more endearing to me.
During the last weeks, once I realised he was starting to ignore me, I also took a long, hard look at myself and realised that I need to work on dealing with these kinds of situations , and stress in general, better.
It’s not a bad thing that I feel every emotion completely and fully but I need to find a way to keep my balance even when times are tough. I had inner peace before I met him, while we were dating obviously but the last weeks I have been struggling with my mood.
So I’m working on figuring out how to not let situations like this throw me off balance. This might be a bit of a long road ahead of me but it is a necessary one to travel.
These are the positives I’m trying to see and the fact that I have so many friends now who I can talk to and who are willing to support me and give advice just makes me incredibly thankful.
I may never understand why he did what he did, why any of them did, really but I will need to deal with it and realise that just because he does not value me or cares as much as he said he did, it does not mean that I’m worth any less.
That is the hardest part; when the same thing keeps happening, it is easy to get disillusioned. It is easy to believe that this is just how men are, maybe just in this country, maybe everywhere. It is easy to think that I will never find someone who thinks I’m worth their time, attention and love but as I said, I’m a romantic at heart and I just don’t want to give up on love at 37.
So I will work on not missing him and caring about him anymore, as hard as that is, and I will work on finding my inner peace again, my balance.
And when I’m ready I will put myself out there again and hope for the best. I will do my best not to be jaded by my experiences and open myself up to the possibility of love and trusting someone again.