I’ll be OK

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May 15, 2017 by Sera

Today I passed my driving test.

19 years after I failed 3 times due to a lack of confidence and a case of extreme nerves, I finally did it.

It took me this long to find the courage to try again and and the person who inspired me to do this, who believed I could do it, who knew that I was ready is not here to celebrate with me.

I’m feeling better, I have accepted his choice to not go on living but I miss him and today I want to tell him that I passed, with only two minors. I want to tell him that I made a mistake but recovered and didn’t let my nerves get the best of me and that impressed the examiner. I want to tell him that he changed my life and ask him when he has to time to look at cars with me like he said he would before he made the choice to end his life. In a way I wish I had had my test two weeks ago because that might somehow have changed his mind. He might have seen that he made a difference in people’s lives.

Of course there is no real point in thinking like this. He probably wouldn’t have picked up the phone or read my text anyway. I shed a few tears today, at the shock of the examiner saying I passed, while looking at cars I might buy because he should be looking at them with me but also when friends and family told me how happy they were for me, how proud they are of me.

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have so many people in my life who care about me, support me and are there for me when I’m struggling. They each help in their own way, some with words of encouragement, some by just listening, some with hugs when I desperately need them but I could not have gotten through the last 10 days or today’s test without any of them.

I know I’m supposed to learn something from my friend’s death and today it is that life goes on, that there is always hope, that I’m stronger than I thought I was and that I’m not facing life alone.

I think there will always be a part of me that misses him and wishes he had chosen differently but I know now that I’ll be OK.

 

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